Over the past few months I have been feeling overwhelmed at work and in my personal life that has resulted in me being signed off work with stress. During my time off I’ve been trying to clear my head and get back into my routine of meditation and exercise.
I’ll be honest and say that it hasn’t gone to plan, I’m still lacking motivation and continue to overthink EVERY LITTLE THING. I’m annoyed at myself that I have carried this stress for so long that it has resulted in me being signed off work, thankfully I have a fantastic group of family and friends around me who I can talk to and off load all my stress and worries. Although, sometimes it feels like I feel that if I talk to people I will just burden them with my issues and that’s the last thing I want to do to anyone…
As mentioned, I’ve found that meditation and exercise helps me and I’ve been using a few apps on my phone; Meditation – Calm & Headspace, Exercise – Freeletics & Track Yoga, I’ve also joined the gym again and have rediscovered the water baby in me. But recently, since I’ve been off all I have done is clean the house and I’ve done very little in the way of meditation or exercise. This is due to me feeling down, having no motivation and because of this doing absolutely nothing, to be honest I’m most likely suffering with a bit of depression. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 16, but managed to get myself back on track and it never seemed to crop up (or I managed it so well that I never let it faze me, until now).
I think this has come around as I have just kept pushing things to the back of my mind and tried to get on with life as I didn’t want to appear weak to see as struggling to cope with things. With one thing and another slowly bubbling at the surface and then hearing that my uncle was put in a medically induced coma just seemed to tip me over the edge. That’s when I realised that I do need to take time out and try and sort myself out and that I couldn’t continue to go into work and pretend to be constantly happy. The docs signed me off for two weeks and this is my final week, with me returning to work on Friday. I am dreading it, I have been, as always, overthinking things and worry about what will happen when I go back to work (which I have been assured that there is nothing to worry about and that my managers and team are there to help and support me, however ‘If I feel that the job is not for me… blah blah blah’). It’s not only work however, there are some things that I need to address at home and I want to try and get things sorted as quickly as possible so that I can move forward (however, at present nothing has been done…).
When you tell people that you’re depressed, stressed or anxious, people who have never really come across this will always says things like, ‘There are worse things happening in the world’, ‘Chin up’, You’re OK’, ‘There’s nothing wrong with you’ or the best one is ‘I feel the same, but I just get on with it’… So was I for a time, but it all got too much for me. The comments above are typical things I’ve heard from folks who assume that an illness is something you see and that really annoys me. Just because you can’t see something, doesn’t mean that it’s not there.
Also, for anyone who has ever felt like l am right now, don’t feel embarrassed to talk to someone, don’t feel that you shouldn’t take some time out to sort yourself out. I’ve seen what stress and depression can do to people if they don’t work on it and it’s not good. Take some advice from someone who is good at giving advice, but terrible at taking it – Speak to your GP, figure out what is cause and work on it, by either getting rid of or fixing the root cause.
I think typing this has been a little cathartic and once I’ve had some lunch I will try and bring myself to do some meditation and either exercise in the house or head to the gym with J later on this afternoon…
I’ll get there, I was just hoping that I would be back to ‘normal’ by now!